[Vir]

(Inspired by Game of Thrones, written by George R. R. Martin. Careful, spoilers of the last season !)

  Cersei took a sip out her glass of red wine. Her eyebrow raised, her head up, she looked like a queen, which was a good thing because she actually was a queen. I can remember the first time I saw her. With long curly hair, that cascaded down her back, bright green eyes, perfect and flawless pale alabaster flesh, long shaped slender legs, she was the most beautiful woman this world had ever seen.

-   Sit down, she told me.

  So, I sat down quickly because you don’t make a queen wait. She had my glass poured with the most exotic and fruity wine I have ever tasted. She looked away for a moment, as if I wasn’t here, but you don’t mind being ignored by such a woman, and I was the happiest man on earth, just being able to look at her arrogant beauty. She was wearing the finest clothing that one can find in the kingdom.

-   I killed my children, she said.

  There wasn’t an ounce of emotion in her calm and soft voice. It was just as if she had told me what the weather was like.

-   It wasn’t on purpose, of course.

  She pursed up her lips and her eyes darkened for just a second. And then suddenly, she frowned angrily and finished her drink in one sip.

-   The thing is, I have been surrounded by ignorant arseholes my whole life.

  She glanced at me and looked as if she was noticing me for the first time, then looked at my glass.

-   Finish it.

  I did as I was told.   

-   First, my mother was killed by a monster. My little brother murdered her when he got out of her. He, a dirty dwarf and a beast, that’s what the gods offered me.

  She raised her glass in the air, to cheer with them.

-   Then, they gave me a king for husband. And what a king. All he did with his life was drinking, beating me and cheating on me. He would repulse the ugliest woman with leprosy.

  Servants poured us more wine.

-   I killed him. And I would do it again.

  She drank.

-   Thankfully, I have a brother, Jaime.

  She smiled gently.

-   A beautiful and strong knight, who gave me three beautiful children. When my husband died, Joffrey became king after him. Everybody thought he was the prince; Joffrey himself thought my husband was his father. Thankfully, he had the soft golden hair and the bright green eyes of my family. He was just a child, but he was already angry at life, because my husband never looked at him. He barely knew who he was; he ignored him when Joffrey was trying so hard to make him proud. I tried to help him, to advise him and to give him my love, but it was too late already. Anger was flowing through his veins.

  As she was talking, the pace of her words quickened.

-   And the monster who had my mother killed him.

  She smiled. But it wasn’t a happy smile; it was scary and filled with anger.

-   The gods know I did my best to kill the beast, but he got away and killed my father.

  She turned to me.

-   Tell me, what have I done to deserve him? And to deserve such a life?

  I didn’t know what to answer. The best solution seemed to remain silent, and so I did, feeling blessed she chose me to tell her story.

-   My daughter, my dear Myrcella, then got murdered as well. I was queen regent at this time, waiting for my third child to come of age. And I don’t know what is happening with this world, but I was surrounded by ignorant and vultures, trying to steal my throne and my power.

  Her smile got larger, her eyes looked mad.

-   But I didn’t let them. I trapped them into a church while they were doing some sick rituals, and blew the whole thing. Ah…

  She sighed with contentment and lied back in her throne.

-   Have you seen it? It wass the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The flames went higher than the mountains in the sky. I watched them burn and felt at peace.

  She put down her glass.

-   That is when my third child committed suicide. He couldn’t bare the sadness of the loss of so many people. He was a sweet, sweet little boy.

  She sighed again, staring into space.

-   He wouldn’t have survived the throne.

  Behind her, the iron throne was almost shining.

-   But I will.

  And then a Japanese monkey slaughtered her.

[Dasv]

Hi there! Comme j'aime GOT et que j'aime l'anglais, je me suis dit que j'allais lire ta fic ! D'une manière générale j''ai bien aimé, c'est original de voir Cercei dans les yeux de quelqu'un d'autre, d'autant plus que le narrateur n'est pas du tout identifié et que ça permet de vraiment se focaliser sur elle. La fin est quant à elle surprenante 
Enfin, ton anglais est pas mal, on voit que tu lis souvent (ou écoute ?) dans cette langue et c'est tout à ton honneur.

Je vais malgré tout me permettre quelques remarques, principalement au niveau de la langue. Je ne vais pas forcément tout passer au crible parce que c'est pas le but, mais j'ai quelques suggestions pour rendre ton texte plus idiomatique. J'espère que ça ne te dérange pas et que ça pourra t'aider.

With long curly hair, that rest gently at the middle of her back, bright green eyes, pale alabaster flesh, perfect and flawless, long shaped slender legs, she was the most beautiful woman this world had ever seen.

Ici j'aurais modifié quelques petites choses. Tout d'abord, le verbe "to rest" : je pense qu'il serait mieux conjugué au prétérit. Il faudrait aussi inverser la place de l'adjectif, ce qui donne "that gently rested on the middle of her back". Après le verbe to rest me pose un problème, parce que ça veut dire se reposer, ou à la rigueur être posé sur : ça irait donc si ses cheveux "reposaient" sur ses épaules, mais pas pour le dos. Une expression comme "cascaded/fell down her back" me paraît plus appropriée, mais ça dépend du sens que tu veux donner à ta phrase 

Ta phrase est peut-être un peu longue par ailleurs, et les images se succèdent avec beaucoup de virgules. Il faudrait peut-être couper cette description et en faire deux phrases, ce serait plus digeste. De plus, les adjectifs perfect and flawless s'appliquent sans doute à sa peau mais ils viennent avant la description des jambes et c'est donc un peu confus. Je me doute que c'est un style d'écriture, mais en général en anglais les adjectifs viennent avant le nom qu'ils qualifient, sans quoi la phrase risque de partir dans tous les sens.
Au niveau de l'ordre des adjectifs, l'anglais est très rigoureux : quantité, valeur/opinion, taille, température, âge, forme, couleur, origine, matière. C'est inaltérable.

Du coup, ça donnerait "her perfect and flawless pale alabaster flesh, long and slender legs, etc".

So, I sat down quickly because you don’t make a queen wait. She had my glass poured with the most exotic and fruity wine I have ever tasted.

Pareil, prétérit ? "I had ever tasted".

The thing is, I have been surrounded by ignorant arseholes my whole life.

Là remarque par rapport au personnage : je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais je ne vois pas Cercei jurer ainsi. Je ne me rappelle pas l'avoir déjà entendu jurer dans la série, ou en tout cas pas de manière aussi casual, comme si de rien n'était. Peut-être des mots comme "fools" ou "bastards" pourraient convenir ? Je ne suis pas experte sur Cercei donc si ça se trouve je me trompe complètement, mais cette phrase m'a fait tiquer 

 

So did I.

"So did I" est une expression idiomatique qui signifie que l'on est d'accord, or ce n'est pas ce que tu veux dire je pense. Donc une expression comme "I did as I was told" collerait mieux.
   

Then, they gave me a king for husband. And what a king. All he did with his life was drinking, beat me and cheating on me. He would repulse the ugliest woman with leprosy.

Un verbe au prétérit au milieu de deux BE+ING ça me perturbe ! Peut-être "was drinking, beating me and cheating on me". Je me trompe peut-être, mais bon.

-   A beautiful and strong knight, who gave me three beautiful children EXPLANATION. When my husband died, Joffrey became king after him. Everybody thought he was the prince, Joffrey himself thought my husband was his father. Thankfully, he had the soft gold hair and the bright green eyes of my family.

Deux choses.
1) c'est quoi "EXPLANATION" ? 
2) Ici je pense que tu peux mettre "He had my family's soft golden hair and bright green eyes". Mais ce n'est qu'une suggestion !

As she was talking, the pace of her words became more rapid.

"Rapid" ne se dit pas, ou en tout cas pas ici. Je te propose un mot qui peut te permettre de mixer la rapidité et l'action de devenir : "The pace of her words quickened". Simple, on point.

waiting for my third child to be of age.

Il me semble que l'expression idiomatique est "To come of age".

Have you seen it? It is the most beautiful thing I have seen in my life.

Ici j'ai le sentiment que le prétérit sonnerait mieux, et que le "in my life" est un peu too much. Je te propose : "It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen."

Bon, je te laisse tranquille maintenant ! Je précise que ce ne sont que des suggestions destinées à t'aider, mais que je n'ai en aucun la science infuse ni quoi que ce soit : à prendre donc avec du recul et un grain de sel 
C'est un chouette one-shot en tout cas, et ça m'a bien plu !
[/quote]

[Vir]

Hi Dasv !
Merci pour ton commentaire. J'ai corrigé les fautes que tu as indiqué. EXPLANATION c'était une indication pour moi que j'avais oublié d'effacer.