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Le Monde de L'Écriture » Encore plus loin dans l'écriture ! » Textes non francophones » The Birtch (English)

Auteur Sujet: The Birtch (English)  (Lu 569 fois)

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The Birtch (English)
« le: 05 juillet 2020 à 23:37:52 »
( This text is the english and prose version of a poetry I made two weeks ago.  I  am translating it for a local writing contest, so show no mercy ! I'll have a native English speaker checking on it, so I mostly would like you to focus on the content rather than the words themself. Like, is there a paragraph you think too long, too sort ? How could I make it longer ? Do you like the rythme ?  Thanks ! )



The Birtch

I’m standing.
Naked. Defensless.
I’m don’t notice the passage of time, i’m too asleep to make the difference. Days are so short I often just miss out on their fogg and if Auroras are dancing above my head at night, I don’t feel their electric tickle anymore.
 I’m waiting, and the cold is biting. A branche of mine breaks with a sharp noise ; Later, another one where some water had been trapped bursts and twists. Frost covers my bark, cumbersome frost banding with the snow to make me bend. The wind then comes and shake it off, but also takes some twigs as ransom.

I’m dreaming. I’ts been a long time, now, and I call upon warmth, and spring. How was it ? As the time is passing by, I slowly retrieve some shy sensation i almost forgot.
 The light is high now, and I want to wake up. The night still pull me back to sleep, but now I tally the days. Deep inside, i’m already putting myself back together and calling my strengh. Im ready ; and it’s coming.

It start with warmth, like a thrill on my darker sprigs. It comes deeper, calling me to work, but from my roots the cold is still slowing me down. The snow is melting, the soil released from the frost sigh and soak up with water ; Then only, as the moisture caresses my rootlet, then, I wake up.

My roots drain water and nurture from the humus, quenching my thirst while I’m stretching. My bark is cracking and peeling under the onsaults of my inner life ; I grow swelling nodes until they’re buds, until they burst up to the light. I’m straigthening, slowly, free from the snow but still croocked. Just next to me, a broken spruce is crying bright sap tears.
I wake up, and the wood around does likewise. The earth is fullfilling with savours and swishes, rumors and springing life. All livings are stretching a first spur towards the sun.
Air quivers, and soil around my roots get tamped by pawprints. On the ground echo clatters of animal lives. The wary tempo of two pairs of hooves, the scratches released by a mouse mooving dead leaves, the first fly of a mosquito ; among my branches I’m feeling the leaping wheight of a grey Jay, the tingling of waking ants, and on my bark the crazy run of two squirrels.
Then, when winter gives up to spring, comes an heavier step, impudent and careless. Nature hushes. On my bark appears a new flavour, different from the moss one, covering my feet, different from the hawthorn one that scratches my bark in the wind. Memories fly through my mind ; This step, this flavour, and the stange tear. I almost feel the  wound as my neighbor get hitten, and I remember : No moose enjoying my twigs, no caribou rugging his head, but still my sap is running away.

Some say, they make sirup with it.
Le chapitre 3 de MasqueRoi est posté ! (Recherche lecteurs ! ^^ )
Mon carnet de bord

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En ligne Deofresh

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Re : The Birtch (English)
« Réponse #1 le: 06 juillet 2020 à 00:31:11 »
'Sup !

Here I am to be ruthless with your text  :mrgreen:. Since you wrote your pitch in English, I will stick to it in my answer, but be warned, I am no native speaker either, my comments are to be taken with a grain of salt.

First off: Are you sure you do not want to discuss wording with us? I did spot a couple sentences where phrasing made me cringe a bit (personnal, non-native opinion). If you change your mind, just tell me, I'll happily point them out to you.

Overall, you also left a fair few mistakes in your text. You missed plurals, third person s, wrong negations, unnecessary "the" and other typos.

You also misused a couple words such as :

Citer
My roots drain water and nurture from the humus

Nurture is to take care of something I think you mean flourish (or smth similar).

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the onsaults of my inner life

Onslaught. The problem is that this word also has a strong connotation of destruction. I'd reconsider using it if I were you.

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wheigh

Weight.

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The earth is fullfilling

Fullfilling is making someone happy. I believe here you just want to use "filling"

Finally: your title! If you mean the tree, it's birch.


Anyway, no more word talk, sorry  :-¬?.

Regarding the rhythm, I found it a tad bit too long. I did not understand why the second and third paragraphs were separated.

Most importantly:

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Some say, they make sirup with it.

I assume you are in Canada since you mention a local writing contest in English and moose show up in your text, therefore I guess you mean maple syrup here right? If so, you might piss off the Canadians reaaal bad. Maple syrup comes from maple trees (érables, leaf on their flag!) not from birch trees (bouleaux).


There you go, my comment. I was ruthless because you asked us to be, but bear in mind that it was a pleasant read nonetheless. I enjoyed it. There is potential and with rework you can make it into something really good. If you want to chat a bit more about your text, I'll be happy to do so. Best of luck for the contest!

Cheers!

EDIT: I double checked and birch syrup is also a thing. I just didn't know about it. My bad  :D!
« Modifié: 06 juillet 2020 à 00:34:12 par Deofresh »

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Re : The Birtch (English)
« Réponse #2 le: 06 juillet 2020 à 17:52:12 »
Nice ! I love it !
N'hésitez pas à aller voir ma fiction : Les Notes du Silence

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Re : The Birtch (English)
« Réponse #3 le: 12 juillet 2020 à 22:06:06 »
Thanks for your messages ! :)
(and sorry not to have answered sooner, the week (and half) has been a bit... difficult for me ! )


 @ Deofresh :

So, pretty much each time i've been using thesaurus and translator to find a word fitting, I did wrong... I have to write with what I know, that's the lesson !

And I realize I didn't even check the spelling with tools before to post it... sorry. I've been quite sick, and I was probably not quite there when I posted it ! (I feel like I did it though, I must have missed a ctrl+C ! lol)
I'm going to work on it a bit today or tomorow.

I'm open to word talk, of course, but I wanted first to have feed-back on ... Well, you said it : a bit too long. I don't want it to be shorter, then i'll have to find something more interesting to put inside than what I did ! ^^
Le chapitre 3 de MasqueRoi est posté ! (Recherche lecteurs ! ^^ )
Mon carnet de bord

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Re : The Birtch (English)
« Réponse #4 le: 13 juillet 2020 à 04:20:58 »
Yop o/

General comments:
Most of your present continuous verbs should be used in the simple present form. Penses-y comme la différence entre “Etre en train de faire quelque chose” (present continuous) versus simplement “faire quelque chose” (present simple)
« I » prend toujours une majuscule, mais jamais de majuscule après le point-virgule.
Il reste énormément de fautes/typos/accords etc. Je sais que tu dis qu’il va être corrigé, mais ça bute vraiment à la lecture.


Citer
The Birtch
Birch

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I’m standing.
Naked. Defensless.
I stand. (Tu dirais "Je suis debout", pas "Je suis en train d'être debout", tu vois ?)
Naked. DefensEless.
(Joli rythme, jolie image, belle entrée en matière. On voit très bien le bouleau fantomatique dans la nuit.)

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I’m don’t notice the passage of time, i’m too asleep to make the difference.
I don’t (Pas I’m don’t). I’m asleep, majuscule.
Au lieu de simplement dire I’m asleep, je dirais quelque chose dans le genre “My slumber is too deep to notice the difference” (you « notice » a difference, you don’t « make » a difference unless you’re actively taking part in creating said difference) même si je t’avoue ne pas entièrement comprendre la différence de quoi avec quoi. La différence sur tout ce qui est affecté par le temps ?
Après tu peux jouer avec des tournures plus rythmées du genre "My slumber is so deep/So deep is my slumber I notice no difference" etc. Je n'ai pas de dico sous la main en ce moment (long story) mais deep n'est pas le bon adjectif because a slumber is deep by definition, mais c'est l'idée :)

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Days are so short I often just miss out on their fogg and if Auroras are dancing above my head at night, I don’t feel their electric tickle anymore.
Fog.
J’utiliserais deux phrases ici, question de rythme.
Et je te propose, pour la seconde : « And when the Lady Aurora dances above my head, I don’t feel her electric tickle anymore »
Mention spéciale pour les aurores. J'aime spécialement leur appellation de Northern Lights si ça te botte, même si Lady Aurora en est une tout aussi romantique.

Citer
I’m waiting, and the cold is biting.
I wait, and the cold bites/is biting, la signification n’est pas la même, mais les deux fonctionnent ici. J’ai une préférence pour « is biting », qui signifierait « est mordant » (biting devient l’adjectif au lieu du participe présent). Obviously, à toi de voir.

Citer
A branche of mine breaks with a sharp noise ; Later, another one where some water had been trapped bursts and twists.

Suggestion: A branch in my crown snaps with a sharp noise; later, another one gorged with frosted water twists and bursts.
J’aime. J’adore entendre le bois craquer et les branches tomber en forêt.

Citer
Frost covers my bark, cumbersome frost banding with the snow to make me bend.
Je ne comprends pas. L’arbre est recouvert d’un mélange de neige et de glace qui le plie ?

Citer
The wind then comes and shake it off, but also takes some twigs as ransom.
J’enlèverai “then comes and”. ShakeS. Je dirais “stealing” au lieu de “but also takes” et j’utiliserai “payment” au lieu de “ransom” (c'est pas comme si le vent allait les rendre, t'sais ? :mrgreen: )
Donc en fait : The wind shakes it off, stealing twigs as payment.

Bon, je m’arrête ici au cas où c’est carrément pas le genre de commentaire que tu voudrais recevoir :mrgreen:
Si oui, je continue ça ces deux jours.
Si non, on se revoit sur un autre de tes textes ^^
« Modifié: 13 juillet 2020 à 12:02:19 par Xeraphia »
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