[Rain]

Voilà un petit texte sans prétention écrit pour le défi de mai. J'ai pas vraiment l'habitude d'écrire en anglais, mais en fait à force d'en lire et d'en entendre partout c'est venu plus facilement que je pensais.  Je suis plutôt content du coup - même si je sais pas trop ce que vaut mon niveau de langue.

Le texte lui-même n'a rien d'extraordinaire et la fin est sans doute un peu rapide, mais j'ai bien aimé l'écrire.

Bonne lecture !

Snow fell from the sky

Snow fell from the sky.
It was not unusual in these lands of short days and cold weather. The people here were used to seeing landscapes of pure, flawless white. They even had a custom of greeting snow with a big and joyful fair, for it meant that winds finally started coming from the southern seas and would soon bring a bit of spring. They had no fear of the cold flakes ; instead they admired the way it danced in the air while falling and the beauty of their shapes, like tiny little stars covering the Earth. They had learnt ages ago how to keep their homes warm even in the deepest storm, and they never lacked of food either – snow would muffle the sound of their footsteps while hunting. Snow was part of their life, a part they fully loved.
However this time was different. Snow fell from the sky, but it wasn't alone. Among the pure white flakes there was a black dust. Nobody had ever seen a thing like this before. They didn't even know where it could come from. No feast, no music and no laughter were there to welcome this strange, warm snow. Soon the ice began to melt over the lakes and it turned into mud over the lands – but it was nothing like spring. The air was oppressive, suffocating. The animals stopped coming out of their lairs and plants died before they could grow up. Dark clouds began covering the sky, the sun and the hearts of men.
“The world is burning.”
As were the words of the elder. He was the only one who knew what was happening, because he was the only one who had travelled to other lands and had come back.
“Trees in flames, houses on fire, seas turning red and black, snow becoming ash... There is nowhere to run. The world is ending now, as it was foretold to these men across the ocean. They were told to be careful but they did not listen. They never listened.”
“Is there nothing we can do?” asked a man. “Are we doomed?”
“Yes my son. I fear this is the end for us all. Unless...” The elder started to think. “I remember stories from my childhood. In the old days, there was a spirit guarding our lands. Our people used to call to her in their times of need and danger, and she always came to help. Though she is long forgotten now, she might still be wandering around, waiting for our call. But I can't remember the words.”
Hope disappeared in the hearts of men as fast as it had come to them. But the old man had not finished yet.
“I still recall where she lives. It is a long hard trip to do, for her temple stands in the mountains, far away to the north, where the world reaches its limit.”
Silence fell, smoother than snow, and colder.
“I will go,” said a woman.
Everyone looked at her. Her name was Chikaki. She was small and skinny. She was not pretty. She had nothing remarkable.
“Why you?” the elder asked.
“I am a good huntress, I will survive in the wild.”
“But you are not the best one and you don't know these parts of the land. You will meet death before you can reach the mountains.”
“I can sing and tell stories, I will convince the spirit to help us.”
“But there are bards and poets who could do it better and faster than you. We have no time to lose.”
“I want to protect my home and my friends, I will not fail them.”
“But our warriors are taller and stronger and younger than you. They have more endurance and more chance to succeed.”
“I want to see the rest of the world before it turns to ash, I will not be at peace before I have seen all of its wonders. And it starts with the temple of the spirit.”
The elder did not reply this time. He could see how determined Chikaki was. He knew she would go, whether or not she had his approval.
“Very well. Leave as soon as you are ready. We will wait for you.”
Everyone  encouraged her and gave her food and clothes for her journey. No one offered to accompany her. Whithin the hour, she had left the village, alone.
It was hard at first – the melting snow made it difficult to move, the ice on the lakes was getting treacherous, and ashes were gathering into a thick fog, blocking her sight. But it was harder on the next day, and harder on the day after, and it kept on getting harder as she approached the mountains. Soon she had consumed all her food, and hunger became a well-known companion. There was few plants to feed on, and even fewer animals. The small ones were hiding all day, and the big ones began hunting at night. She lost her sleep, fearing that she would never awake. Instead she spent her nights exhausted, watching over her poor fire that barely kept the beasts away, and failed to warm her. As she went further to the North, cold became frost, turning the air, the ground, her blood into hard ice. All her clothes, fires and knowledge weren't enough to make cold go away. But she went on. She wanted to see.
Eventually, she found the mountains. The ashes were fewer here, and she could see what was hidden in the heights. The temple. It was nothing like she imagined. No great palace filled with offerings or statues, no column carved out of the ice, no stairs of black stone to lead her to the entrance. Only a small natural cave above a cliff that Chikaki would have to climb with her bare hands. However, she was not disappointed. There was light.
So she started climbing the cliff, and she thought she would never make it. But as she was half-way of the top, she felt a presence beside her. It did not help her, nor did it give her strength or take her weariness away. It only gave her a bit more confidence, a kind of certitude that someone or something was there, waiting for her. She had not travelled for nothing.
When she reached the top, Chikaki met the one the elder had called a spirit. This lady did not seem like one to her. Spirits are ghosts, or tiny will-o'-the-wisp, or a bunch of fireflies playing with dust and snow at night. They were not old ladies waiting in a cave above a cliff. Yet something was not right, and Chikaki understood what was missing when a chilly wind blowed in. Though there was no fire, though she wore only a simple snow white dress, the lady didn't seem to feel cold. She stood straight, with a smile.
 “I know why you came, Chikaki.”
Her voice was deep, much deeper than Chikaki had expected. She could feel it resonate in her chest, like an echo of thunder.
“I can do nothing to make the burning cease. I lost my powers long ago. I am juste a fragile old woman now.”
For a moment she looked everything but fragile. There was a strength in her stance, as if she were waiting for battle. Then she sighed and the feeling vanished. She seemed exhausted.
“I have no time left. Soon I will disappear and there is nothing to be done about that. My time has come.”
She was smiling while saying these terrible words. There was a kind of peace in her tone, a serenity that gained Chikaki. It chased her fears away, fears she didn't even know she had. She never really had thought about the world's ending, but she realised now how deep it had grown in her heart. She had stopped thinking about tomorrow, she had stopped remembering her dearest memories. She had almost forgotten her people while she was travelling. She had focused on surviving, emptying her head from everything that may have brought back the ashes to her mind. She didn't want to lose herself in despair, so she had locked her life away without even noticing it.
“You don't have to disappear with me you know” the old woman said. “In fact, there is still one way to protect your world. It will change you, but I think you will like it. After all you have come here for a reason. Here, come closer. Close your eyes. I will help you see.”
Chikaki did as she was told. She felt a gentle touch on her forehead, then two hands caressed her temples. They were cold and soft as snow.
And she saw the whole world at once. Great forests, deserts of sand, the turquoise of the southern oceans, mountains and fjords, cities and villages and ruins of long forgotten civilisations. She saw people, so many more that she could ever have imagined, beautiful people in appearance and in their hearts, and ugly ones also. She saw love blooming and war spreading. She saw bombs and flames and ashes all over the world. She knew it was inevitable, that one day there would be an end, and she also knew it meant that there would be a new beginning. For she had also seen the sun and the moon and the planets and the universe, and it knew that it was living too, that it needed to change constantly. There was nothing eternal.
But she decided the Earth had not reached its time yet. There were still beauties to come that deserved to have a chance to be seen. There was still kindness in the hearts of most men and women. There was still stories to be told and sung. It was not the end. She blowed winds and storms that stilled the flames and she turned ashes back into raindrops and snowflakes. It took her a lifetime to ease the pain and heal the world, and it was done in an instant.
When she opened her eyes, Chikaki was still in the cave atop a cliff in the mountains that marked the limits of the world. Winds were blowing hard outside, but surprisingly, she was not cold anymore. She wore a snow white dress, but she knew it was not what kept her warm. It was this tiny flame in her heart, the gift the old lady gave her before leaving. She was finally resting now. She had found her heir.
Chikaki smiled. She was alone but it didn't feel so. She sat and closed her eyes, and started watching over the world.
Outside, snow was falling from the sky.

[Doctor Grimm]

Coucou !

the snom fell from the sky

je crois (je dis bien "je crois") que le temps utilisé est inapproprié, au sens où le preterit est pour une action passée et datée. Du coup, là je verrais plus un past continuous, qui insiste plus sur la durée ("The snow was falling from the sky", même si du coup ça sonne moins joli). Mais c'est peut être un erreur.

The people here were used to seeing landscapes of pure, flawless white.

il me semble qu'il est potentiellement possible que possiblement, ça soit "used to see".

Je vais m'arrêter la pour le commentaire détaillé parce qu'il me semble que c'est la seule chose qui m'a faite tiquer et que de toute façon j'ai pas un niveau d'anglais assez élevé pour être très constructive au phrase par phrase.


Du coup, j'ai beaucoup aimé ! C'est un très joli conte, comme j'ai l'habitude d'en lire de toi, avec de belles images, de belles idées, de chouettes personnages, et je trouve la langue très bien maitrisé (depuis mon piètre piédestal de novice), on retrouve presque ton style dedans.

Donc voilà, un très chouette moment de lecture et un commentaire pas constructif du tout. Merci !

[Rain]

Pour la première phrase, j'ai honteusement pompé la première phrase de Mistborn qui est exactement sur le même principe (et qui m'a inspiré le texte) :

Ash fell from the sky.

Plutôt dans le sens "ça commence à tomber" et pas "c'est en train de tomber". Du coup je suis à peu près sûr de moi, mais je peux me tromper quand même hein.


Pour la seconde en fait, la forme "to be used to" (être habitué à) est suivi par un verbe en -ing (I am used to eating pastas on dinner). Du coup je suis sûr de moi aussi 


Merci à toi pour ton passage en tout cas. "On retrouve presque ton style dedans" c'est quand même un vachement chouette compliment  . Merci ! Je suis content qu'il t'ait plu !

[Loïc]

Pour le were used to, du coup je ne sais pas si au niveau du sens, they used to see ne serait pas plus juste.

Dark clouds began covering the sky and the sun and the hearts of men.

Tu pourrais peut-être remplacer le premier and par une virgule ?

It was the elder who spoke these words.

Une majuscule à elder ?
Je pense que tu peux formuler ça moins lourdement

Hope disappeared in the hearts of men as fast as it had come to them.

Pourquoi "to them" ? Surtout que tu dis qu'il disparait des coeurs, donc qu'il vienne aux hommes fait bizarre.

and it kept on getting harder as she approached the mountains

Faudrait pas un ing ici ?

Très Rainesque comme texte
Ton écriture y perd avec l'anglais, je trouve, mais ça se lit quand même bien. Un conte du froid comme souvent chez toi et puis voilà.

[Rain]

Pour le They used to see, non, c'est pas plus juste parce que le sens est pas du tout le même, et il impliquerait que ce n'est plus jamais le cas maintenant.

Ouaip pour la virgule. La majuscule, je vois pas trop pour quoi - on dirait "l'ainé" ou "l'ancien" en français, sans majuscule, et je pense que c'est pareil en anglais. Enfin, j'imagine que ça dépend du texte et de l'auteur. Je suis d'accord pour la reformulation, mais je verrai plus tard, j'ai pas d'idée là tout de suite.

Ben, "them" réfère aux coeurs. Mais il est pas très utile, en effet.

J'sais pas pour le ing, en fait je pense que les deux sont valables. Il faudrait un vrai bilingue pour me dire XD.

Ben, en même temps, je maîtrise pas vraiment l'anglais comme je maîtrise le français, c'est normal que mon écriture y perde, c'était un peu le but du défi  . S'il reste rainien, et s'il donne froid, c'est qu'il est pas si mal réussi 

Merci pour la lecture !

[Ambriel]

Salut !

C'est là qu'on voit que j'ai pas un très bon niveau d'anglais  ...

J'ai compris dans la globalité, mais il y a plein de mots que je connaissais pas et des phrases que j'ai lu sans comprendre.

Enfin, comme mes prédécesseurs c'est sympa, plutôt rainien en effet, et c'est déjà un beau défi d'avoir écrit en anglais. Après l'histoire n'est pas des plus originales mais ça se lit bien et c'est sympa, donc pas de soucis 

 

[Nakenis]

Salut ! J'ai lu le texte à l'instant pour la première fois, je l'ai fait à voix haute pour faire profiter quelques amis, et on a tous vraiment apprécié. Très très beau texte bravo.

Je me suis arrêté juste plusieurs fois sur une faute récurrente : le "was" que tu transforme en "were", tu te trompes de personne :

I was, you were, he/she/it was, you were, we were, they were

À moins que je dise une grosse bêtise mais je crois pas. 

Edit : Ah bah nan Rain m'a corrigé. Bon c'est pas grave, ça arrive, mais je laisse quand même cette fausse correction parce que j'aime bien me taper la honte lol.

[Rain]

Ah, ça dépend de quels passages tu parles. Tu peux les retrouver s'il te plaît ?

En fait, il y a des résidus de subjonctif dans quelques tournures en anglais. Pour dire "si j'étais toi" par exemple, on dira plutôt "if I were you". J'ai utilisé ce genre de tournures de temps en temps, mais il est aussi possible que je me sois planté ailleurs.

Merci pour la lecture en tout cas, et content que vous ayez apprécié !

[Nakenis]

Ouais je suis d’accord pour le subjonctif, mais... Ah bah zut j'aurais juré avoir vu une tournure fausse dans le texte. Bah c'est moi alors, désolé.