It can’t be said
Chapter One
I was there, in my lounge, waiting for an answer from the "house association". I closed my eyes, held my breath, praying for an answer. I repeated this word in my head "answer.. answer.. answer". But it never came. I opened my eyes and locked them into my mom's. Her face was saying "I'm sorry honey. There's no answer yet". I let out my breath and realized that everything was wrong. Everything was going bad. And I knew it wouldn't get better. The only hope I had, was to have an answer. Just one. I guess it was too much to ask. I let my mind go away a few minutes. Thinking about a new life, with a new house, a new hope. It would be so much better. But again, it was just a dream, this was just a thought which was spinning around my head, like a little bird spin around a tree, under the sunshine, hoping for a new life on this tree. Another thought appeared in my mind. I would like to be a butterfly, flying through the air, on the lawn. It would be better.. yeah.. it would just be better. My mom's voice made me come back to reality. She looked at me with her sad eyes, letting a tear streaming down her face. I knew she felt the same way. We were just unable to say it out loud. We were just thinking it.. and it was okay.. for the moment.
Chapter Two
I let the paper dance around the flame, playing with it. It was warm.. but I felt cold. Without removing my eyes from the red light, I took the answer sheet with my other hand.. it was shaking.. I knew the answer.. but I didn't want to believe it. I threw it in the fire and watched it burned.. the paper was crumbling.. just like my hope for three weeks. It consumed itself. All I could see then.. were the ashes of the paper. The smell was all over me.. it was haunting me.. taunting me.. teasing me. It was like.. the smell was in my veins.. like a poison.. making me remembering of the answer.. I can't still say it. It's too early. But it never left my mind.. it was making me burn inside, like ice on fire.. fire on ice. It hurt. But I couldn't let it go. It didn't want to let me go.. not that easily.
Chapter Three
She told me it was going to be okay.. that someone would finally help us. But somewhere.. I knew she was wrong. They all said that they were going to help us.. and no one did. They just talked.. again.. for the 8th time. My eyes on the window.. I knew we had to do something.. or it would be worst.. it was already.. but I kept fighting.. for her. I couldn't let her go through all of this. Not alone. I needed to protect her. I didn't care if she wanted me to or not. I was going to fight.. because no one would have done this. We were alone.. and I prayed.. hoping that she would never let me alone in my confused thoughts. I needed her.. just like she needed me. I knew it.. even if she didn't tell me so. Her eyes were saying everything I had to know. But I couldn't handle this pain anymore.
It was just too hard.. too hard.
Chapter Four
They kept asking me to talk.. trying to make me believe that I would feel better then.. but I wouldn't. The pain was so deep inside me, as if it was written on my bones, like a signature, a proof that everything was actually going bad. It was something I couldn't describe.. so painful and meaningful at the same time.. pushing into my chest, making me suffocating.. trying to breath despite the whole feelings which were growing inside me. It was like a bleeding.. you know. When you see the blood you just have to press your hands on it.. and suddenly.. it stops bleeding. But if you remove your hands, it bleeds even more. That's the same for the pain.. as long as it's deep inside you, hiding, you don't feel it.. or at least, you hurt less. But if you start talking about it.. then all the suffering invades your veins, burning you inside, you just wanna scream to push the pain away. But it still here.. because you're talking about it. I guess some people might say that.. truth is better than a lie to oneself.. but.. honestly.. it doesn't make you feel better. You're just more ashamed, because you're not able to deal with your sadness. Then you're fed up with everything you feel, and you change yourself into a sort of ghost, because you don't wanna feel that pain anymore. So you pray, wishing that someday.. all would be better.. someday.
Chapter Five
My eyes on the letter.. I couldn't believe the words which were written on it. It seemed so unreal. For the first time, one letter has given me hope. A little smile in the corner of my mouth, I felt something that I hadn't felt in a while.. peace.. happiness.. someone was finally helping us.. after a few months.. someone really wanted to be there for us. My hands shaking, I stared at her.. her brown hair covering her face, like a wall to not be seen by other people.. as if she was hiding from another drama. But this time was over. We had someone who could help us. We weren't alone anymore. My eyes meet hers.. sad.. cold.. alone. She didn't seem to understand the reason why I smiled, but I knew she was shocked. I didn't smile for three months now. I had forgotten what it felt like. I put the letter on her knees and asked her to read it. She understood by my eye that she had to read it. She didn't ask any questions and took the sheet in her cold hands. Her eyes lighted up as she read. She finally looked up at me, opening her mouth, letting out a breath.. and whispered one word that made me smile even more :
"Finally".
PS : Feel free to tell me what you think.
I accept all criticism, advice too.
It's my first story
It's also on my blog :
http://itcantbesay.skyrock.com/?connect=1
