Le Monde de L'Écriture

Encore plus loin dans l'écriture ! => Textes non francophones => Discussion démarrée par: Alnadji le 09 Juin 2021 à 14:46:30

Titre: Need motivation ?
Posté par: Alnadji le 09 Juin 2021 à 14:46:30

Hi there,
tsup ?

Once, after a dark period of my life, I wrote this.
Dunno if you will understand but it's pretty short and I it's my first poem. We know that the "first" something is always horrible when rereading it after a while,  :D so that's what I'm gonna do.

So long
Alnadji


Withstanding the coldest nights,
Surviving the hottest times.
Hi, I’m the fiercest of knights.

I’m roaming through the roads of my mind,
And seeing for the first time,
With an external eye,
My own self, I cry
Staining my tie,
Blurring my sight.
A dream of the sky
Then I stand up, make a plight
To the one standing on the other side
Wiping off my tears, I tell him to be proud.

Titre: Re : Need motivation ?
Posté par: Ocubrea le 14 Juillet 2021 à 19:50:37

Hi, Alnadji ! :)

(I'm going to reply in english because I need to practise a little bit from time to time ;) ).

Hum, this is a challenge for me, because my english is not good enough to truly appreciate the beauty of english poetry, and I'm not even usually drawn to peotry in general to begin with... But I'll try my best to be useful anyway.

I liked the simplicity of your poem, even though I thought it was a quite common topic. I don't know why, but the part I actually liked the most was the begining with the first three lines, here :

Citer

Withstanding the coldest nights,
Surviving the hottest times.
Hi, I’m the fiercest of knights.

I think it's the "Hi, I'm the fiercest of knights" that I liked, because there is a contrast between a very modern way of speaking ("Hi") and the fact that it talks about something majestic and ancient ("knights").

The other thing I really liked was the layout of the poem, it was visually very pleasing, with the lines getting shorter in the middle to grow longer again afterwards. It invited me to read it.

Voilà ;D
I don't think I can comment anything else given my current level in english, but I hoped it was useful anyways !
Hope to see you around again soon ;)