Le Monde de L'Écriture
Encore plus loin dans l'écriture ! => Textes non francophones => Discussion démarrée par: Vilmon le 11 Mars 2018 à 22:05:25
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Nostalgia
Like a fine rain falling on a grey day
Sprawling a cool dampness over the landscape
The lost magic and elation of the wonderful
When the illusions and the lies are revealed
The forgotten dreams coming back from far
After so many years following the opposite road
The confidence and the innocence in youth
Remembered when facing the hardship of life
The ticking mechanism behind the unmoving clock
In the waiting for the last hope to become reality
The fragile tender moments in first love
Remembered through the yelling and the cries
The laughter of some children or of a small river
After they've grown up or they've dried out
The happy moments with friends and family
In reminiscence when alone in an hotel room
The grown forest hiding the nicest of views
When coming back to cherished places of youth
The abandoned supermarket of today with its parking
Which had tear down nice neighbourhoods a few years ago
The pushing and shoving of the new generations
While the old ones are trying to keep their place
Facing the complex technologies of nowadays
While remembering repairing all with a hammer
Running and coping with the fast pace of work
When a team was doing the same few years back
Nostalgia
Vilmon
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Thank you for this wistful, lyrical piece which features some powerful images.
I think some passages are a little odd/awkward:
Sprawling a cool dampness over the landscape
Spraying?
When the illusions and the lies are revealed
Word order sounds a bit off -> "when the lies and illusions are revealed" sounds better to me.
Also generally you might want to avoid repeating "the", e.g.
The confidence and the innocence in (of?) youth
Remembered when facing the hardship of life
hardships?
The fragile tender moments in first love
of?
The laughter of some children or of a small river
After they've grown up or they've dried out
"They" is ambiguous here, especially as "river" is singular. Also I would rather write "they have" rather than "they've" (given the general tone of your text) and perhaps avoid the repetition (after they've grown up or dried out)
In reminiscence when alone in a hotel room
The abandoned supermarket of today with its parking lot
Which had torn down nice neighbourhoods a few years ago
The pushing and shoving of the new generations
While remembering repairing all with a hammer
Is there a comma missing? This line is not quite clear...
When a team was doing the same (a?) few years back
I hope these remarks will be helpful. Some are there to help you with some linguistic errors but the rest is just suggestions ;)
Keep going!
Lou
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Greetings !
Thank you for your comments ! :)
As you may have seen, English is not my first language and you have spot several cases which show this.
I appreciate your suggestions and will include them in.
Best regards,
Vilmon