Le Monde de L'Écriture
Encore plus loin dans l'écriture ! => Textes non francophones => Discussion démarrée par: Dot Quote le 14 Août 2016 à 21:56:42
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For those who came from earth to sky
For all the shy spies who can’t spread the oxygen
I’m with your weapons I fit in the air felon spirit
And try to reach this kind of heavens
Against the atmospheric conspiracy I fight
A main stream pathogenic fancy at night
Which means all of us could see the light
If you switch thus falsehood to rightness
If your preaching plus your thoughts endlessly
You’ll grab your soul and snipe your destiny
Now stab the dolls who wipe some shitty holes
Anyway you can’t decide what is really about
Even if you’re part of that and it’s freaking out
More than a race it’s a long way home you have to take part
Humanity is the last word you see but you finished smart
Cloud eater is now your name
For those who are to blame
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I love the atmosphere you created.
It's beautiful, powerful and majestic.
It's also quite mysterious - I guess you could interprete it in various ways - and you're quite direct, which is something I appreciate.
It could be better I guess if you were more consistent in your rhymes: maybe add or change some lines to rhyme with "sky", "oxygen", "spirit", "heavens", "rightness" and "holes".
Your poem would have a greater impact I think.
But of course, it's only my opinion :)
See ya !