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Le Monde de L'Écriture » Encore plus loin dans l'écriture ! » Textes non francophones » It is not to be spoken of...

Auteur Sujet: It is not to be spoken of...  (Lu 1696 fois)

Hors ligne Arthegall

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It is not to be spoken of...
« le: 31 décembre 2010 à 01:11:43 »
Bonsoir à tous,
C'est un petit texte que j'ai écris spontanément. Je ne suis pas un maître du Queen's English alors il doit y avoir quelques erreurs. A titre indicatif, j'ai écouté la Symphonie n°6 de Tchaïkovski en écrivant...si cela peut vous aider.
Bonne lecture à tous.

It is the end. I could not even say why…Because I do not know. I just don’t know. In truth, I have never known anything…of this world…of its people. Them! They are so spiteful…so heinous. How would…could I know them? And why would I? Some people told me that I should try to understand them. Some others told me that I should be…No! It’s too horrible! It is too…horrible. They say I should look like them. They say I should be the same. And…as I am but one feeble man…I did not dare to answer…I can’t speak anymore. My voice…This voice. Oh humanity! They were all supposed to help me! And now look at me! Who am I? What am I? Nothing…No one…I am a ghost in a world of ghosts. Another ghost…They do not see me. They cannot see me. They do not hear me. They cannot hear me…In truth: they don’t want to hear me. They don’t want to see me. Why would they after all? I could not blame them for not wanting to see me.

It was the end. I thought everything would be better. I thought everything would be lighter. But all I saw was darkness. The darkness of their damned souls…Angels, demons…That is nonsense! Those things were built by them because they wanted to hope. The hope of a better future…Nonsense! I did not see that light. The light I was supposed to see, the light they promised me I would see. How could I have believed them! A promise is nothing but a lie! Their promises are lies! I guess I hoped. I was hoping for a better future too…Oh humanity! Fire and ashes, storms and riots, disease and hatred. They did not see. They did not want to see because they were hoping. But there was nothing left but despair. Tears of shadows…tears of angels. I could have gone somewhere else…I guess. But where? How easy it is to say that we do all have a choice. What choice? There was no choice. There is no choice. There will never be any choice. The truth is…that there is no beginning.

It will be the end. They did not care. Everything was made of light. The world was as white as the snow. The Gods were as brilliant as the sun. The oceans were a mirror to the skies and the skies were a mirror to the oceans. The cities were shining, the bells ringing, the trees growing. They were all so joyful. A bliss! They were too joyful…So joyful that they did not see the shadow growing in the spirits of the mortals. Because they realized…They thought they would live forever…Idiots! No one lives forever. No one has. And no one will. They should have known. They should have thought…But they didn’t. I did. But it was not to be spoken of. It had to be forgotten…But I would never forget…I saw everything growing…everything dying. Philosophers were slaughtered…writers were murdered…I was almost burnt. But I left…I left before they could have burnt me. No soul is to be burnt. No secret is to be forgotten. Everything has and will be told.
I did not tell everything. I do not want to tell everything. They would kill me if I told such things. I will tell those things. But not here…not now. In another world in another…time, I would have told them. But it is not my end. It is not my time.
« Modifié: 31 décembre 2010 à 01:15:28 par Arthegall »
"But on his brest, a bloudie crosse he bore,
The deare rememberance of his dying Lord,
For whose sweete sake this glorious badge he bore,
And dead as liuing euer him ador'd"

Hors ligne Jezy

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Re : It is not to be spoken of...
« Réponse #1 le: 06 janvier 2011 à 12:08:47 »
Oh humanity!
* Gosh, be careful ! Espace après un “!” *

The world was as white as the snow. The Gods were as brilliant as the sun. The oceans were a mirror to the skies and the skies were a mirror to the oceans.
* Jolie, meme si je suis pas trop trop d’accord avec la première vérité énoncée lol *

The cities were shining, the bells ringing, the trees growing. They were all so joyful. A bliss!
* A bless ? *

They were too joyful…So joyful that they did not see the shadow growing in the spirits of the mortals.
* les deux “the” devant “spirits” et “mortals” me gènent un peu. Je crois qu’au moins un des deux n’a pas lieu d’être, mais il faudrait confirmation d’un membre plus doué en anglais que moi…

No one has.
* “had” ? *


Bon honnetement je sais pas si c’est de l’anglais parfait, j’ai compris le sens déjà, par contre… c’est quoi l’intéret de ce texte ? C’est pas méchant hein, mais a part jouer avec des sonorité et des construction de phrase « they cannot/ they do not/ they don’t want », je vois pas trop trop l’intérêt du texte (hors chaque texte doit avoir un intérêt, qu’il soit beau, qu’il soit instructif, qu’il soit drole, etc).

A la limite, ce genre de sujet, un peu de réflexion, ca rend pas mal en poème. La deuxième partie d’ailleurs semble s’y mettre, on lit avec un peu plus de curiosité déjà. Mais le début, en prose et sans contexte, ca fait juste interrogation un peu trop longue et redondante.

A la réflexion, tout ca me fait un peu penser à un monologue issu de Matrix, le coté “il n’y a pas de début, il n’y a pas d’espoir”… Mais encore une fois, ca apporte rien, ou trop peu a la fois, pas assez en tout cas pour garder l’attention du lecteur


Tous les “do not” finissent par être assommant, je t’avoue…  On dirait que cc’est Teal’c qui parle, sauf qu’il serait surement plus concis dans ses propos. Bref, oui je trouve que c’est un peu pesant, un peu trop heu… sophistiqué si je peux dire, un p’tit côté à la fois insistant, mais à force de l’utiliser à chaque fois ça perd de son efficacité, et puis professoral, trop sérieux, trop soutenu, oui voilà.

C’est bête, mais c’est vraiment les trois dernières phrases qui m’ont le plus accroché dans tout le texte, parce qu’on a l’impression qu’enfin, il va se passer quelque chose.

Bref, j’suis pas fan fan, c’est beaucoup de répétition pour arriver a pas grand-chose au final.
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Hors ligne Zacharielle

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Re : It is not to be spoken of...
« Réponse #2 le: 06 janvier 2011 à 20:41:26 »
Because I do not know. I just don’t know.
is the repetition really useful?

Citer
How would…could I know them?
you may repeat "how" in the beginning of the second part

 
Citer
No! It’s too horrible! It is too…horrible.
I don't feel really concerned :/

Citer
I am a ghost in a world of ghosts. Another ghost…
this time again, I don't think the repetition is necssary (and please stop putting "..." "?" and "!" everywhere xD)

Citer
They do not see me. They cannot see me. They do not hear me. They cannot hear me…In truth: they don’t want to hear me.
idem

 
Citer
A promise is nothing but a lie!
I quite like it

Citer
Tears of shadows…tears of angels.
please, not angels

 
Citer
The truth is…that there is no beginning.
the truth, the truth (three occurrences have I counted well) :S

 
Citer
Philosophers were slaughtered…writers were murdered…I was almost burnt. But I left…
why don't you develop this part of the story ? it seems much more interesting than all the others desperate (and a little boring) exclamations

Citer
But not here…not now.
arggggl, what was the point of this text?!


I'm afraid I don't see much interest in this story. I would prefer to follow the progression of the shadows, the irruption of the evil in an apparently perfect city. The idea is not original so you must your story and your style a lot more. And avoid repeating yourself too much.

See u.

 


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