[Vir]

 

   It was in December the eleventh of 2060 when the first snow started to fall on a nice little house in the countryside near Northampton, in England. Surrounded by woods, wheat fields and cows, the house was welcoming a nice insurance agent called Michael. Michael was a good guy who had been working hard all his life. He grew up not far from there, in a home where both his lovely parents were still living. He had graduated from high school with only straight As. He kissed his parents goodbye when he went to college in Cambridge to study management and then went back there with the will of growing old where it all started. He then had got a wife and two lovely daughters; Jane and Patricia.

  He loved his county dearly. Because of the peace that can be found there, the woods, the wheat fields and the cows. Because none of the big events from the outside world seemed to bother enough to go that far in the countryside. Not even 5G. Even the Wi-Fi was hardly working there. And if there is one thing Michael hated – and he didn’t hate much- that was technology. In 2060, an entire other world had been born in Virtual Reality. At that time, everyone was living in a fake world, wearing these ridiculously expensive Virtual Reality headsets all day long. Fake lands were bought, fake buildings built, fake clothes sold, fake money traded, fake wars fought… Humans had forgotten the smell of fresh air, the feeling of wind and the beauty of rain – everything Michael dearly loved – and he loved many things.

  Back then, Michael’s only wish was that his daughters never end up in this fake world and stay on the farming land of the farmers. Therefore, he home-schooled them, passing his values on to them, and had decided to never show them further than Mary’s pinfold. Mary was the nicest cow in the county.

  But the inevitable happened, Patricia, his eldest, went away to pursue her studies. She was going to discover the entire world his father had tried so hard to hide away from her. And after her, Jane, dear little Jane who loved Mary so much, went away as well. Living in fear for the following months, Michael did his best to go on with his life and to have faith in the values he had passed on them.
  Nevertheless, Patricia became a Virtual Reality doctor and she would heal patients on the other side of the globe. And Jane became a journalist of the other world.

  Lost in the unknown, Michael’s daughters were in danger. They could forget what the outside world looked like because one does not simply walk into virtual reality. Its charms are more than just making jobs more appealing. There is a magnetism emanating from there that does not sleep, and the headset, once tried, is ever calling. It is a wonderful land, riddled with magic and possibility and dreams, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume.

  Maddened with despair, but hopeful, this is how Michael made his first steps into virtual reality, with the desire of saving his daughters. Putting his disgust aside, he created a character for him to personify in the world he had rejected all his life. And every day after this moment, he would slip his character’s skin on to explore the world. He searched into cities where gravity did not exist, checked in forests populated of fluorescent trees; he sought help amongst exiled monks, he explored space, time-travelled and blew planets up. He bought and tried all the Virtual Reality headsets that existed: Sony, Facebook, Microsoft, Samsung, Apple, MSI, Alien ware, ASUS and SteelSeries. He created a company of explorers to help him in the search of his girls, and worked harder than he ever did. Nevertheless, his wife said he was from time to time taking a rest from the search, by fighting some wizards or slaying some monsters, and that he would go to bed with his headset on in order to fall asleep watching trees as he used to love them so much.

  Michael became the most famous Virtual Reality explorer of the world. He would virtually give lectures, teaching his methods, giving advice and unveiling the deepest secret of the most secret of the planets.

  Poor Michael never found his daughters but long after his death, you can still see an odd avatar that has the form of a cow called Mary that wanders the infinite Virtual Reality.

[LazyPheidole]

Hey! I like your story even though the end is kinda easy to anticipate thanks to your "Tchekov's cow". But I actually believe that makes it more interesting, to see how it's going to happen.

I am clearly not skilled enough in English grammar and literature for any comments on sentence structures and choice of words.

Maybe just this little oversight :

Fake lands were bought, fake buildings built, fake clothes sold, fake money traded, fake wars fought…

Also, why are some Virtual Reality capitalized and some are not?

he created a character for him to personify in the world he had rejected all his life

Wouldn't incarnate be more appropriate?

Regards

[derrierelemiroir]

Hi Vir,

Really enjoyed reading this story. I actually wished you would have given more details, because of course this Virtual Reality world made me curious. The used vocabulary is good, however there are some issues with the tense of the verbs you used.

Maybe some details you could work on:

It was in December the eleventh of 2060 when the first snow started to fall on a nice little house in the countryside near Northampton, in England

I don't think you need to be that specific with the date, because apparently it plays no role in what follows. You could just write something like: "It was a day of December, 2060"

Surrounded by woods, wheat fields and cows, the house was welcoming a nice insurance agent called Michael

welcomed

Michael is a good guy who had been working hard all his life

was

He graduated high school with only As

I'd write: He had graduated from high school with only staight As

He kissed his parents goodbye when he went to college in Cambridge to study management and then went back there with the will of growing old where it all started

I don't think that the detail about him kissing his parents goodbye is relevant here. You could just write that he left his parents to go to college and study management.  I also wouldn't use the word "will". You could replace it by "dream", or "ambition" or "desire". Also, I would cut the sentence into two smaller onces.

He then had got a wife and two lovely daughters; Jane and Patricia.

He then married and had two lovely daughters

Because of the peace that can be found there

Because of the peace that inhabited it?

Because none of the big events from the outside world seem to bother going so far in the countryside

seemed bothered enough to go so far in the countryside.
"Outside world" is a bit vague here...

Even the Wi-Fi is hardly working there

was

And if there is one thing Michael hated – and he didn’t hate much- that was technology

was / it

In 2060, an entire other world had been born in Virtual Reality

different

At that time, everyone was living in a fake world,

I would just drop "at that time", it is not necessary. You could replace it by "People had started living in a fake world, etc."

Back then, Michael’s only wish was that his daughters never end up in this fake world and stay on the farming land of the farmers

Michael's only wish had been / his daughters would never end up / I would drop "of the farmers"

passing his values on them

passing his values on to them, I think

She was going to discover the entire world his father had tried so hard to hide away from her

I would write " she would eventually discover"

went away as well

left

Living in fear for the following months

during

she would heal patients

healed

And Jane became a journalist of the other world.

They could forget what the outside world looked like because one does not simply walk into virtual reality

You use again Outside world, but speaking about reality this time. You should make it clearer, whenever you use that expression.

is

ever

calling

I would replace ever by always or forever

with magic and possibility and dreams

magic, possibilities and dreams

hecked in forests populated of fluorescent trees

by?

Sorry, it's more than just some details, but it actually didn't alter so much my enjoyment. So thanks

[Vir]

Hello ! Thank you for your feedback derrierelemiroir and LazyPheidole. I corrected some of the mistakes you pointed out.

is

ever

calling

I would replace ever by always or forever

I'll leave this as it is because it's actually a quotation - or almost - of The Lords of the Rings : "One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep. The great eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume."

[Pandothiel]

I really enjoyed your story, and did not expect the end. However, I have some suggestions to make:

But the inevitable happened, Patricia, his eldest, went away to pursue her studies.

I would either put a colon or semicolon after the 'But the inevitable happened' --> But the inevitable happened:/; Patricia, his eldest, went away to pursue her studies. I think a full stop would fit as well.

Poor Michael never found his daughters but long after his death

I would put a coma before "but", and maybe one after to keep the same meaning.