[Krapoutchniek]

Hop, première écriture dans une autre langue 

J'espère que ça donne bien et que je n'ai pas trop massacré l'anglais.


Enjoy !







There was wind and snow everywhere. But we kept on, walking through the storms. Many of my friends died, falling in crevasses, lost in the mist or killed by strange beasts. Everytime, our chiefs yelled and sometimes we had some rest. The lightnings of the ennemy hurt our army several times but as usual, we kept on to walk.

And finally, one day, we saw it. The fortress of the ennemy was there, standing over the mountains, waiting for our sacrifice. And we charged. We didn’t feel cold anymore. Every soldier ran to the citadel, screaming all the hatred to the foes. But they knew our weaknesses. Their catapults launched projectiles and their traps swallowed us one by one into the deeps of the earth. We retired to save our lives, jumping over our friends bodies. And they laughed. They laughed so loudly the echoes kept roaring during hours.

Beaten, we looked at the ennemies walking dressed in a line. Their black citadel turned so red as horrible flying creatures flyed away of it. And they charged at us. I saw my king for the last time, teared to pieces by one of those monsters. We had no choice but to run away.

The Frozen Kingdom doesn’t like strangers. No animal gave me food, no tree to make a fire. Only snow and despair. By chance, I found one my previous regiment’s soldier, dead. I ate him to keep me alive. Disgusted about myself, I was no more than a shadow, walking through the white desert. After many days, I finally reached my homeland. For the first time till more than five weeks, I smiled. I breathed our air, smelled our odours and saw the horror one again.

The villages were falled into ruin, the towns were burning. And as I approched of my village, I saw them. I recognized the black armours, the red creatures. And when they saw me, they started to laugh. So loudly…

[Gros Lo]

There was wind and snow averywhere.

everywhere

But we continued, walking through the storms.

plusieurs fois t'utilises "continued", ça fait pas mal français-traduit j'trouve. On peut pas dire quelque chose comme... oui j'allais proposer "walk through" en fait.

as usual, we continued to walk.

we walked through ?

Beaten, we looked at the ennemies

le participe apposé en tête de phrase ça fait très français aussi.

Their black citadel became so red

ça fait un peu français traduit, "turned (to?) red" ?



voilà pour mes piètres compétences l'image finale m'a fait penser au commandant orc au début du siège de Minas Tirith, celui à la gueule boursouflée qui évite le bout de rempart qu'on lui lance dessus (celui qui dit à Osgiliath "The time of Men is over. The time of Orc has come")...

[Krapoutchniek]

There was wind and snow averywhere.

everywhere

"Averywhere", comment je n'ai pas vu ça ? 



Pour les autres, je ne sais pas, tu trouves vraiment que ça fait trop traduit ?

[Gros Lo]

Pas pour tout le texte hein, mais pour "continued" un peu, et pour les tournures que j'ai relevées, bon après si ça se trouve c'est moi qui n'ai pas assez lu de bouquins en anglais et je ne connais pas l'idiomatisme, mais à vue de nez les quelques trucs que j'ai cités ne font pas très anglais.

[Krapoutchniek]

Voilà, effectivement, "continued", dans le contexte, c'est pas génial 

[Gros Lo]

Sinon, pour dire que quelqu'un ne s'arrête pas dans la chose qu'il fait, y a tout simplement "keep + V-ing", genre "But we kept walking, through the storms".

[Kei]

falling in crevasses

Je mettrais "into" plutôt que "in". Pour, euh, je sais pas, l'effet de profondeur XD (attention, mes justifications vont en grande majorité être du genre "c'est juste que ça sonne mieux comme ça, je ne me l'explique pas"  )

Everytime, our chiefs yelled and sometimes we had some rest.

De mémoire, c'est en deux mots "every time", et je trouve que ça fait un peu bizarre de l'avoir dans la même phrase que "sometimes" relié par "and". Peut-être un "but" passerait-il mieux?

The lightnings of the enemy hurt our army several times but as usual, we kept on to walk.

Plusieurs problèmes dans cette phrase. Déjà, "lightnings", je sais pas pourquoi mais ça me paraît pas tout à fait adéquat. “The lighting bolts” peut-être? Ensuite, c’est “enemy”. Et Loredan a raison pour “to keep on + ING, ici “we kept on walking” ou “we kept walking on”.

And we charged.

J’aurais mis “so”. Mais bon. C’est plus une question de choix là

Every soldier ran to the citadel, screaming all the hatred to the foes.

Ils crient leur haine à l’ennemi ou leur haine pour l’ennemi? Dans le premier cas, ça donnerait “screaming to the foes all their hatred”, dans le deuxième “screaming all their hatred for the foes”.

jumping over our friends bodies.

“our friends’ bodies”
 

Beaten, we looked at the ennemies walking dressed in a line.

Hum, je ne suis pas sure de l’emploi de « dress ». Si tu voulais dire « aligner », je crois que cette expression là s’applique plutôt à des objets. Et « enemies ».

Their black citadel turned so red as horrible flying creatures flyed away of it.

Hum, tu ne peux pas employer “so” tout seul dans une phrase non-exclamative. Cela appellerait un “that” (“turned so red that it looked like it was covered in blood” par exemple). Si tu ne veux pas rajouter de proposition, je te conseille d’utiliser quelque chose comme “turned a terrible red” ou autre. Ah, et ce serait “flied away from it”.

I found one my previous regiment’s soldier, dead.

“one of my….”

Disgusted about myself,

“disgusted” s’emploie avec “with” ou “by”.

I breathed our air, smelled our odours and saw the horror one again.

« Once » au lieu de « one »

The villages were falled into ruin, the towns were burning.

J’emploierais plutôt “had fallen into…”

And as I approched of my village

Je crois que c’est plus idiomatique de dire « to approach my village ».

Sinon, j'ai bien aimé l'histoire, son rythme, sa chute 
Congratulations!!

[Krapoutchniek]

Merci 


Ouaip, il y a quelques fautes que je n'avais pas remarquées apparemment 

[martlet]

There was wind and snow everywhere. But we kept on, walking through the storms. Many of my friends died, falling in crevasses, lost in the mist or killed by strange beasts. Everytime, our chiefs (leaders) yelled and sometimes we had some rest. The lightnings (bolts) of the ennemy (enemy) hurt our army several times but as usual, we kept on to walk. (we kept on walking)

And finally, one day, we saw it. The fortress of the ennemy (enemy) was there, standing over the mountains, waiting for our sacrifice. And we charged. We didn’t feel cold anymore. Every soldier ran to the citadel, screaming all the (their) hatred to the foes. But they knew our weaknesses. Their catapults launched projectiles and their traps swallowed us one by one into the deeps of the earth. We retired (withdrew) to save our lives, jumping over our friends bodies. And they laughed. They laughed so loudly the echoes kept roaring during hours.

Beaten, we looked at the ennemies (enemies) walking dressed in a line (pas compris). Their black citadel turned so red as horrible flying creatures flyed away of (from) it. And they charged at us. I saw my king for the last time, teared to pieces by one of those monsters. We had no choice but to run away.

The Frozen Kingdom doesn’t like strangers. No animal gave me food, no tree (was there) to make a fire. Only snow and despair. By chance, I found one (of) my previous regiment’s soldier, dead. I ate him to keep me alive. Disgusted about (by) myself, I was no more than a shadow, walking through the white desert. After many days, I finally reached my homeland. For the first time till (for) more than five weeks, I smiled. I breathed our air, smelled our odours (scents) and (then) saw the horror one (once) again.

The villages were falled (had fell)  into ruin, the towns were burning. And as I approched of (approched) my village, I saw them. I recognized the black armours, the red creatures. And when they saw me, they started to laugh. So loudly…