[Plume dange]

Bonjour !
J'ai cru comprendre que le défi de ce mois-ci était d'écrire en langue étrangère, alors voilà !
Il y a peut-être des fautes, mon anglais est loin d'être parfait J'aime bien écrire dans la langue de Shakespeare, je ne sais pas pourquoi. Enjoy !

Look, look at this girl.
She says she has got wings,
Did you ever wonder why ?
When you told her you couldn’t see them,
She answered that you were blind.
You think she is crazy,
I think you are crazy,
Because I can see them.
Look, look at her again,
Can you see now ?
She isn’t truly here you know,
World is unreal to her,
Just like her wings are to you.
We are not in the same reality.
Tell me, tell me, who is right ?
Wake up !
How can you know this is the truth ?

[Sylve]

Un poème simple et épuré dans la forme, peut-être aussi parce que l'anglais n'est pas ta langue maternelle .
Des fautes, je ne saurais trop le dire, car mon propre anglais laisse à désirer. Le sujet, en revanche, est peut-être un peu plus complexe...

[MillaNox]

Salut Plume d'ange !
tu peux rajouter "défi mai 2014" dans ton titre pour que les lecteurs sachent que tu as écris ce texte dans ce cadre, si tu el souhaites

je découvre à l'instant ton poème/texte, déjà j'ai réussi à le lire sans dico, ouf ! ensuite je l'ai trouvé sympa, c'est un peu court pour complètement rentrer de dans peut-être... Le thème m'a fait halluciner, l'anglais nous a inspiré quelque chose de commun, tu le verras si tu lis mon texte pour le défi, et je jure de ne pas avoir lu le tien avant de l'écrire !

Bref, j'ai vu le tien comme une "interpellation", j'ai apprécié son oralité...

see you !

Milla

[Plume dange]

Je veux bien changer le titre, mais je ne sais pas faire '
Je vais aller voir alors, je suis curieuse

Merci pour vos commentaires à toutes les deux

[Poetrygal]

Hello again

I will respond in English, since the poem is in English.

First off I laughed, an adorable theme! Clever. The cliché 'got wings' is nicely twisted by using a literal interpretaion, love it. When one says 'he or she has wings', it means 'we move fast'. There is a reassurgence of this phrase because of a current marketing campaign for an energy drink. So it would be familiar to a younger and older American reader. They use the variation 'gives you wings', referring to their drink. Anyway, good job! 

Now as we say, I will pick nits.

The lack of contractions of the passive verb is, is distracting in English. Here is a list of contractions that you might like?  The chart in the article is organized clearly. http://grammar.about.com/od/words/a/EnglishContractions.htm

We love our contractions.

Instead of the verb 'says,' I'd suggest 'declares (harder) or claims (less sure)' because they match the tone of the verb 'answered'.

The phrase: 'Look, look around you' doesn't fit your theme. I would suggest the phrase: 'Wake up,' because it fits the theme of non-reality and is used to say 'come back to reality'. Though cliché, it adds to your point and is no more cliché than  'look around.'

Another suggestion if you plan on writing more poetry in English, google in English the term 'action verbs list.'  This will give you some nice words to play with.

And if you are looking for a new title might I suggest 'Pegasus Girl'? It gives a little wink and a nod to your theme of illusion but doesn't give it away.

Hope that helps, happy writing!

[Plume dange]

Wow, j'ai la pression là

When one says 'he or she has wings', it means 'we move fast'.

I didn't know that

I'm not sure I understood, you mean that I should use more contractions ?
In class, teachers always say we must pronounce them, but they don't like it when it's written. They say it's too familiar.

The phrase: 'Look, look around you' doesn't fit your theme. I would suggest the phrase: 'Wake up,' because it fits the theme of non-reality and is used to say 'come back to reality'. Though cliché, it adds to your point and is no more cliché than  'look around.'

I'll change it

I don't know if i'll write other texts in English. For this  one I had some words I was obssessed with.
I don't write in French first, I do it directly in English, so it's quite hard for me.
Thank you !


You shouldn't write "PD", because in French, it means the person is gay x)

[Poetrygal]

 Mes excuses! Je l'ai changé! Je ferai attention de l'abréviation des noms. Je m'excuse encore une fois.


About contractions....


When I was young, it was taught without contractions.  The rules changed as I got older. Whether it's in creative writing or journalism you're expected to use contractions. Of course you might alter it in a written piece for the flow, that's more of an intuitive thing. When I want to emphasis something or I think a meaning is unclear then I will not use a contraction. If you're writing formal papers or legal documents you wouldn't use any contractions.

The AP (Associated Press) Styleis what you'd reference for rules for journalism and creative, currently. Though I used the Chicago Style Manual for many years, it's fallen out of favor.

There are two different style for papers in schools now, I'm unfamiliar with these but they're called MLA stands for Modern Language Association. APA stands for American Psychological Association.

You might try writing it in French first, then English?

My issue main issue so far is my poetry has a lot of second person (which for me is mostly written as 'you' understood). Even in first person, I eliminate a lot of the pronouns and articles. And not to forget the experimental free verse, which is very difficult to translate, the words I use have several meanings and are designed to be absorbed on multiple layers. I use quite a bit of assonance and alliteration, too, it's very difficult.

The only other thing I saw was the lack of action verbs, which I mentioned.  We have a saying, 'don't tell, show.' There are lots of online thesauruses, though my preference for poetry and short stories is the roget's thesaurus. I found an online version for you. http://thesaurus.com/Roget-alpha-index.html Roget's keeps more archaic or less used verbs, which is nice when you're doing creative writing.

If you do decide to, you can message me, if I miss the post. It's nice to see a young writers expanding their horizons! The world is the limit.

Could you tell me what's the proper term for a performance poet or poetess in French? I haven't found it. We use the term slam poet but it applies to a specific style of reading. I would be classified closer to another term we use, spoken word artist.

[Plume dange]

Je vais écrire en français, ce sera plus facile pour moi
Si vous préférez je repasserai à l'anglais

Ne vous inquiétez pas pour mon pseudo, c'était juste pour information

Merci pour les liens, j'irai lire quand j'aurai un peu de temps devant moi et que mon cerveau sera plus opérationnel.
J'ai compris pour les contractions !

En français on dit aussi qu'il faut montrer et ne pas se contenter de dire. C'est difficile dans une langue étrangère ! D'autant qu'au lycée ils ne nous encouragent pas vraiment à la créativité !

Je pense que le terme que vous recherchez est rappeur ou slameur. vous parlez bien de ce style -là ?? :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYrN9nxI0gM
J'ai pris au hasard, je n'écoute pas trop ce type de musique

Le problème quand je commence par le français, c'est pour traduire des tournures un peu particulières. J'ai du mal à trouver les bons mots, la bonne formulation. Et il me paraît plus logique d'écrire directement dans la langue...
Je connais ds filles qui pour le lycée, quand on a des travaux à rendre en anglais ou en espagnol, l'écrive en français et le traduise après, ça donne des horreurs !

[Poetrygal]

Thank you, I'm trying to sort out the translator for conversations. It keeps giving me odd stuff. Reading French is easier for me than writing it, as it should be I reckon.

Oh no, not a rapper. haha! No one wants to see a 40+ year old lady rap. Well maybe they do, but it ain't going to be this old lady. Think music in the back ground  or no music at all. I do both. I have a stand-up bass player that performs with me, sometimes. I also have piano player on occasion. I do perform in music clubs. If you can capture the attention of a bunch of distracted twenty year olds with just your words, you do well.

I will just use performance poetess until I get a better match.

I do understand, the organization of the words is different, but in poetry you can use your own unique phrasing. Poetry can be very compact. You can paint a picture in very few words. Simple is fine in American poetry but you want strong verbs. Using a word or phrase out of common context like you did with your wonderful little poem, can be a happy accident. Don't be afraid to color outside the lines, it's sometimes what sets us apart as writers. As a writer you can submit a piece 50 times, with no edit, 49 editors can say it stinks, it only takes 1 to see its beauty.

I had a friend who liked a classical French poet (forgive me but the name escapes me).  *He asked me to translate a poem for him (word for word) instead of an interpretation.* It actually read beautifully in English.

Maybe a modified approach may work for you? He, like I said was a classical poet and my translation wasn't very similar to the other ones my friend had.  It was a shame, as the thoughts were so lovely and universal. I remember  commenting to my friend that the translations didn't do justice to the work. 

Thesaurus is a good start. It's time consuming. You must look up each synonym, so you need a good dictionary, too. English words can have several meanings. A good dictionary ranks them by usage. A technique I use for writing poetry is I take a dictionary, pick 10 to 15 words at random, use 8 to all 15 in a poem. This is a good vocabulary building exercise as well.

Yes, I recall the stifling of original thought in school. I was blessed with a wonderful lady who taught my writing classes.  She was a published writer and helped me get published.  I branched into music journalism when I was your age.  She'd say over and over, the more things you write, the better your chances for publication. She was also the roughest teacher I ever had, she prepared me well for hard nosed brutal editors.  In music writing it was all male back then, I wrote with my initials to hide that I was female.  Now, female music writers are more common.

Thank you so much for responding to me, you're a delight person with a good mind.

[Plume dange]

I thought you were a men
I don't know if there is a word in French to say what you do.

Poetry can be very compact. You can paint a picture in very few words.

In French, you need more words than in English. That's unfair 
I think my problem is that I don't read enough poems, French and English both. I should try.
In class, we don't study the feelings behind the text, we only work on structures and "figures de style", and it's quite boring. Je dois avouer que ça m'a un peu dégoûté de la poésie.

I read your poem "Aphrodite pauses".
Le problème avec les traductions littérales, comme celle que vous avez fait sur ce poème, c'est qu'on y perd au niveau du sens. L'original est superbe, la traduction comporte des passages difficiles à comprendre à cause de ça.

Thesaurus is a good start. It's time consuming. You must look up each synonym, so you need a good dictionary, too. English words can have several meanings. A good dictionary ranks them by usage. A technique I use for writing poetry is I take a dictionary, pick 10 to 15 words at random, use 8 to all 15 in a poem. This is a good vocabulary building exercise as well.

Je vais faire ça, je manque cruellement de vocabulaire donc ce sera un bon exercice ! Merci !

I was blessed with a wonderful lady who taught my writing classes

Vous aviez des cours d'écriture à l'école ??? 

Thank you so much for responding to me, you're a delight person with a good mind.

C'est... très gentil à vous

Merci de prendre la peine de me lire et de  me répondre en tout cas.
Et désolée pour le joyeux mélange entre les langues, je n'arrive pas à dire tout ce que je veux en anglais, c'est très frustrant .

[Poetrygal]

Yeah that's one of my abstract/symbolic pieces. I tried another one 'I called you Fred,' nobody has responded.

I understand, my teacher required that I write all kinds of poetry, essays and short stories. I also learned in a media class how to write commercials, radio copy and press releases.  I went to a visual and performing arts high school, so we had many classes in the arts and a terrible basketball team.  I took four years of creative writing, one year of media writing and oral debate.

Learning formal structure for poetry and writing is important. I remember it as tedious. My teacher would say, 'You have to know the rules, before you break them.'

But on a happier note, if you want to learn to write condensed experimental poetry, I'd gladly help. You might start a trend.

Most of the poetry I had published in high school was very similar to 'aprodite pauses' and also character poetry pieces like 'I called you Fred.' Actually as I recall, a very early draft of Fred was published, when I was still school. I've rewritten it tons of times, adding and restructuring after my friend's passing. I have several character poems about him, they tend to get very good responses with my audiences.

Some of my favorite poets to read are Dorothy Parker, E.E. Cummings, Charles Bukowski and Sylvia Plath. Plath and Cummings did a lot of unusually structured abstract/symbolic pieces. Bukowski came into my life because people would compare me to him. I don't see it, but it's a very flattering compliment. He wrote in a dark but clean style with philosophy and concrete symbolism mixed in. http://m.poemhunter.com/poem/the-genius-of-the-crowd/ Parker is a little more campy (flip), but just as dark as Bukowski. She did a lot end rhymes in beautifully metered pieces. Here's one I love: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/174097 

Reading poetry is a great way to learn but you have to find poets that speak to you. Poets you don't get can be a labor to read.

Here is very nice English list of types of rhyming and is complete. http://www.public.asu.edu/~aarios/formsofverse/furtherreading/page2.html

It's a very useful exercise. My teacher would time us. For prose she would pick an object or a picture and we'd have to write about it, timed as well. Essay themes were usually picked from a list of sayings or idioms. She stressed there was no such thing as writer's block. It also teaches you to write on a deadline, which trust me is very useful when you get a writing assignment, editors don't care about your woes, they want their copy and they want it yesterday.

No problem, like I said I read French ok.  Don't think twice about it.

[Kanimp]

J'ai trouvé le poème très agréable.
Il y a une phrase qui me chipote.

Can you see now ?

Can you see her now ?

Il me semble plus logique de dire "Peux-tu la regarder, maintenant ?" que "Peux-tu voir maintenant ?"

[Plume dange]

Merci !
L'idée, c'était de dire : Peux-tu voir ses ailes maintenant ?
Je ferai peut-être mieux de modifier....

[Poetrygal]

Je pense que la ligne est correcte dans le contexte, les sujets du poème, elle et ses ailes sont bien établis. Le pronom possessif est inutile et adoucit la question. Si elle n'a pas été établie, alors oui. Ou si c'était texte en prose, alors peut-être oui.