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Le Monde de L'Écriture » Encore plus loin dans l'écriture ! » Textes non francophones » Asking Never Hurts

Auteur Sujet: Asking Never Hurts  (Lu 1092 fois)

Hors ligne seixal

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Asking Never Hurts
« le: 07 janvier 2017 à 01:46:01 »
Johnny was walking down main street. He looked like a service man that was running late for the parade. He was working hard to get the best out of both worlds between walking and running. At that moment, he was using all the focus he had to get down the street as fast as his legs could take him. He was very well-known and feared in the neighborhood, and he knew that being seen galloping around would be a faux-pas for his reputation. Once he found his cruising speed, he just kept beating the pavement without a thought, one step at a time. He was, however, careful to slow down when his gait was becoming dangerously laughable, and to accelerate when his speed was fading below what he considered acceptable.

He only paused his frantic progression when he absolutely had to, right when he reached the green traffic light lording over the intersection of main and 6th street. His eyebrows raised out of frustration gave him a boorish appearance reinforcing his natural tough-man looks. he just hated the idea of having to delay his trip. With nothing better to do, he indulged in tapping the sole of his dress shoe against the sidewalk concrete to make the wait for the red light more bearable. Red, like the epithet of the district.
The daylight was quickly yielding to dusk. It was the time when sidewalks started to be stripped down from its daytime pedestrians while the night car traffic was taking over and already cruising around the block en masse. The blonde fur jacket covering a 3-piece tuxedo coupled to a small hat he was wearing turned him into an attraction too irresistible for the drivers’ eyes not to stare. The motorists, part out of voyeurism, part not to miss out on laughter couldn’t help but turn into gawkers the very moment they drove by him.

The light hadn’t turned red completely when he resumed his hurried march to cross the street. “Tap, tap, tap” the heels of his leather shoes emulated the sound of a horse’s sabots. Stopped at the traffic light, the men rolling around in search and need for a moment of purchased thrill made sure to avoid eye contact at all cost out of a fearful kind of respect. They all knew too well that at kind of distance even glancing at that type of individual could cost them much more than what they would have ever bargained for.

At the corner of 6th street and main, on the sidewalk between a liquor store open 24/7 and an evangelical church, on the spot of a street light a woman was standing. A few calm steps to the left then to the right prevented her from appearing completely still. She was moving enough to escape immobility, but without intentions to go anywhere. Her moves conveyed the idea that she wasn’t just there waiting but actively waiting, while her outfit was telling a lot to drivers without revealing too much to the law enforcement.

As Johnny walked into her line of sight, she instantly converted her blasé attitude into a teeth-showing smile.

−Hey Johnny boy! How are you doing, boss? She said.

Johnny stopped once at public distance from the young women.

−Hi Monique. He said in a timid tone voice conflicting with his forward suit.

He remained mute for a few seconds before continuing.

−Hey Monique, I have to talk to you. Can we talk really quick? He asked.

−Sure, honey! What’s up? What do you have going on for me? She responded keeping the same bubbly stance.

−Ok, great. So, you have been working for me for like 5 years now, haven’t you? Johnny asked.

−You got that right! She replied snickering while exposing a few moves, as if she was hitting the dancefloor of a nightclub.

−I want you to stop working for me. Johnny hammered.

The second Monique understood the meaning of the words put together she instantly dropped her giggly moves to adopt a statue-like posture. Her smile faded too.

−What? She asked. Are you out of your mind? Inquired Monique with a vehement voice.

The blatant tension in her voice made it hard to believe such a dramatic change

−Am I not flooding your front and back pockets with cash? Are you kicking me to the curb to get one of those new tramps in town, is that what it is?

The scene was stepping into dramatic territory. The young woman, unsettled, was displaying gestures of discontent. At this point she seemed about to lose her mind.

−I have no intentions of sidelining you, Monique. Replied Johnny in a tranquil manner.

−Why are you doing this nonsense to me, then? Cried Monique.

Johnny looked straight at the distressed woman. He looked focused, so focused and tensed that dimples dug on each of his cheeks. His face had the expression of someone that is about to say something as much painful as relieving, just like a newborn delivery can be.   

−Because I want you to be my wife.

L'éloge offre à la vanité ce qu'il vole à l'humilité.

Hors ligne Pandothiel

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Re : Asking Never Hurts
« Réponse #1 le: 10 janvier 2017 à 23:55:18 »
Coucou seixal ! Voilà les quelques petites remarques que j'ai à faire sur ton texte (tout n'est pas forcément à prendre, je sais bien parler anglais mais repérer les fautes des autres c'est une autre affaire, il m'arrive de penser qu'une tournure de phrase est fausse alors qu'en fait ce n'est pas le cas).

He looked like a service man that was running
a service man who was running (je pense que c'est mieux que that, mais je peux me tromper)
His eyebrows raised out of frustration gave him a boorish appearance reinforcing his natural tough-man looks.
J'ajouterai des virgules autour de "raised out of frustration".
he just hated
Il manque une majuscule à he
sidewalk concrete
concrete sidewalk
The motorists, part out of voyeurism, part not to miss out on laughter
Si je comprends bien ce que tu veux dire, je mettrais plus "partly" à la place de "part"
The light hadn’t turned red completely
The light hadn't completely turned red
in search and need for
In search and need of
Stopped at the traffic light, the men rolling around in search and need for a moment of purchased thrill made sure to avoid eye contact at all cost out of a fearful kind of respect.
J'ai honnêtement beaucoup de mal à comprendre cette phrase. C'est surtout "purchased thrill", je pense voir l'idée mais je n'ai vu aucune définition sur internet, donc c'est peut-être à revoir.
They all knew too well that at kind of distance
They all knew too well that at that kind of distance (même si ça fait moche, c'est grammaticalement plus correct à mon avis)
someone that is about
someone who
timid tone voice
Je ne pense pas que tu aies besoin de rajouter "voice" vu que tone se rapporte directement à la voix :)
Can we talk really quick?
Là je peux me tromper, mais j'aurais mis plutôt "real quick" ou "really quickly".
Why are you doing this nonsense to me, then?
Je ne sais pas si tu peux employer "nonsense" avec "to do", je crois que c'est plutôt avec "to hear" ou "to make", en fait c'est une collocation. Grammaticalement ce n'est pas faux, mais dans les faits ça ne s'emploie pas. Tu pourrais remplacer par example par "This is nonsense! Why are you doing that to me, then?"

Je trouve que ton anglais est pas mal calqué sur le français, en fait, ce qui est complètement normal. Ca fait presque un an que j'étudie en Ecosse et des années que je lis des romans en anglais, et pourtant je n'arrive pas à me défaire de l'influence du français  :mrgreen: ! Pense juste que en anglais les phrases sont généralement plus courtes et vont droit au but, le français est beaucoup plus long et les phrases plus complexes en règle générale. Mais bon, y a pas de secret, ce n'est qu'en lisant et pratiquant qu'on s'améliore. J'ai juste une question, est-ce-que tu as écrit ton texte directement en anglais ou tu as traduit les phrases (toutes ou certaines) du français vers l'anglais ?
Juste une petite remarque au niveau de la ponctuation, outre-manche (et atlantique) les dialogues sont entourés de guillemets qui se ferment aussi avant les incises et se rouvrent après, je ne crois pas que les tirets existent (en tout cas je n'en ai jamais vu).

Le texte en lui-même, finalement je n'ai pas grand chose à dire ^^ Je trouve juste ça bizarre qu'un homme aussi imposant et respecté, voire effrayant, devienne aussi timide devant cette femme, qui travaille pour lui de surcroît. Mais j'ai quand même passé un bon moment :)


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