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Auteur Sujet: Infirmary alert  (Lu 365 fois)

Hors ligne hono1410

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Infirmary alert
« le: 01 août 2018 à 19:03:01 »
Voici un petit texte crée à partir des livres "the 100" pour ceux et celles qui connaisse...

Clarke was in the infirmary tent treating a little boy's fever when she heard the screams. She didn't know where they came from or from whom, but what she did knew was that those yells kept repeating the two same words : help, and Clarke. She hurried outside the tent's door and searched for the direction of the sound. At first she didn't see anything, but then they appeared to her. Three shadows came out of the woods. One of them seemed hurt. He was being carried by the other two, who were supporting him by the shoulders. Clarke didn't recognize whose these shadows were, but then it occurred to her. Bellamy went hunting with two other Earthborns a few hours earlier. What if?- No, she couldn't believe it. But then she starred at the three shadows who were running toward her, and she saw him. Bellamy was the one carried by the other two. He was the one being hurt. By the look of his face, she could tell he wasn't okay, he was hurt. And badly. She knew because Bellamy was always keeping his strong face, even when he was suffering. But tonight, she could see he was in pain. His eyes were closed, his head titling on every side like he had been punched in the face. When he arrived just in front of her, she gasped : blood was running through his shirt, in his chest.
"What happened ?" Clarke asked to the other two boys. Her voice was trembling. She couldn't really speak, she just needed to make sure Bellamy was going to be fine.
"We don't really know, we had separated to get more animals for tonight's feast. Bellamy went on his own, he said he was fine with it. But then we heard a gun shot, and when we arrived at Bellamy, nobody was there and he was lying on the ground." said the boy who was carrying Bellamy's right shoulder.
"You must be quick, Clarke. The bullet seems to be in his chest, close to his heart. I don't know if he will be able to take the pain much longer." said the other boy.
"Bring him in the tent.", Clarke ordered.
She let the boys bring Bellamy inside and hurried through the door. They put Bellamy on a cot and Clarke kneeled next to him.
"You're going to be fine, Bel. Don't worry, I'm here, and I'm not letting you go" she whispered in his ear. She turned two the two boys :
"Go get my mom! Call Dr Griffin and tell her she is needed in the infirmary tent! Now!"
They left in a hurry and she turned to Bellamy with horror. Blood was spreading on ever inch of his shirt and his face was getting paler. She touched his forehead: it was burning. She removed his shirt and observed the wound. Luckily, the bullet had passed through, but his blood was getting infected. She cleaned and disinfected the wound before inserting the needle in Bellamy's bare skin. Once she finished sewing, she protected the wound with some bandages. Only then she saw her mom in the doorway.
"Just in time", said Clarke with a reproaching voice.
"I'm sorry honey, I got hold up, a little girl just broke her arm I had to-"
"Well while you were playing with this little girl's arm, my boyfriend received a bullet in his chest! Now I just hope he's going to be okay,  I hope I did what I should have done and that I didn't made it worse, since the only qualified doctor here wasn't there to help me! If he's recovering mom, that won't be thanks to you!" Anger had took Clarke. She didn't want to talk to anyone but Bellamy now. She went to lean next to him. She would wait here until he wakes up.
"Baby, I'm sure you did the right thi-"
"Just go now, mom. Go heal the girl's arm, I don't need you anymore. Don't wait me for dinner, I'll just stay here to watch over Bel."
Her mom came to Bellamy and started removing the bandages.
"Don't touch him!" Clarke yelled as her mom's hand was just a few inches above the wound.
"Clarke, I need to see if he's okay, I need to see the wound and what you did. I will leave and let you two then, but now if you want him safe I need to check the infection."
Clarke nodded and kept her mouth shut until her mom put back the bandages on Bellamy's skin. She still didn't move when her mother came to her and kissed the top of her head. "You did great, sweetheart", she said. "He's going to be fine. He just need some rest" Her mom left without another word.
Even though they were dozens of other patients in the tent, Clarke felt like the only one that mattered right now was Bellamy. She believed her mom when she told her he was okay. She was a doctor, she knew what she was talking about. She had to. Clarke didn't know how much time she spent sitting here, her hand in Bellamy's. But when her mom came to bring her some diner, she declined it with a sign of her head. She wasn't hungry, she just wanted Bellamy to wake up. It was late in the night-or maybe early in the morning, Clarke didn't know- and she had started dozing off when she felt her hand squeezed. She woke up with a burst and saw that Bellamy was wide awake.
"Hey there", she said, smiling. "How do you feel? Are you cold ? Do you want to drink ?"
Bellamy smiled back and her heart melted. He was okay, she was sure of this.
"I'm fine, because I had the best doctor taking care of me" he said, with his sexiest voice. "But are you okay? Did you sleep since the last twenty-four hours? You look exhausted."
"Well, the last few hours have been tough", she answered, letting a small laugh split. She was relieved he was fine. She couldn't imagine how she would feel if she loosed him. He was part of his family now, and she loved him more than she had ever loved anyone.
"You should get some rest", he said, opening his arms. "Luckily for you, I'm still a little bit exhausted and I won't be against a little nap with the most beautiful girl on earth."
Clarke leaned over him and kissed his lips. Even if she had been kissing those same lips for the last two years, she still had this feeling of joy in her chest when she made contact with them. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. They will deal with the bad things tomorrow. Together. But now Clarke just wanted to enjoy this moment with the boy she loved.  Bellamy smelled like fresh wood, and tasted like joy. He was the most handsome boy on this earth and she was the only girl who could rest on his shoulders every night. She realized how lucky she was, and felt asleep with the fresh wooden smelt and pieces of joy still on her lips.

Hors ligne Ombelline

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Re : Infirmary alert
« Réponse #1 le: 21 août 2018 à 12:27:32 »
Je n'ai pas lu The 100, mais j'ai vu la série (que j'ai bien aimé, sauf la dernière saison...) donc j'ai été intriguée par ton texte. Malgré les maladresses que j'ai relevé au niveau de la syntaxe et du vocabulaire, c'est fluide et l'anglais sonne authentique, donc c'est un bon point. Les remarques que j'ai inclues sont à la fois sur l'anglais, la ponctuation et l'histoire en elle-même. Puisque c'est un fragment on ne sait pas trop où ça va aller, mais ça reste plaisant à lire.

She didn't know where they came from or from whom, but what she did knew know was that those yells kept repeating the two same same two words : (pas d'espace avant les : en anglais) help, and Clarke. She hurried outside the tent's door and searched for the direction of the sound (where the sound came from).
He was being carried by the other two, who were supporting him by the shoulders (donc il ne peut pas êtes "carried" et "supported", il faut choisir l'un des deux).
But then she starred (stared, sinon c'est un autre mot) at the three shadows who were running toward her, and she saw him. Bellamy was the one carried by the other two. He was the one being hurt (à moins qu'il ne soit frappé au moment où il dit ça, il n'est pas "being hurt, il est "hurt"). By the look of his face, she could tell he wasn't okay, he was hurt (oui en effet, c'est établi). And badly. She knew because Bellamy was always keeping his strong face ("keeping a brave face" à la limite, mais sinon ça ne veut rien dire), even when he was suffering. But tonight, she could see he was in pain. His eyes were closed, his head titling on every side (je ne suis pas sûre de comprendre ce que tu veux dire ; son visage secoué de tout côté pendant leur course ? dans ce cas là tu ne peux pas le formuler ainsi et je pense que le verbe que tu voulais utiliser était "tilt" ?) like he had been punched in the face. When he arrived just in front of her, she gasped : blood was running through his shirt, in his chest (hm syntaxe ne fonctionne pas, blood was running through his shirt, from his chest à la limite, mais plutôt from a wound on his chest).
"What happened ?" (pas d'espace non plus avant ?) Clarke asked to the other two boys. Her voice was trembling. She couldn't really speak, she just needed to make sure Bellamy was going to be fine okay (pour éviter la répétition avec la ligne d'après).
"We don't really know, we had separated split to get more animals for tonight's feast. Bellamy went on his own, he said he was fine with it. But then we heard a gun shot, and when we arrived at Bellamy found him, nobody was there and he was lying on the ground.," said the boy who was carrying Bellamy's right shoulder (carry veut vraiment dire "porter", et là à moins que son bras soit détaché de son corps, il ne peut pas la porter ainsi).
"You must be quick, Clarke. The bullet seems to be in his chest, close to his heart (comment il saurait ça au fait ?). I don't know if he will be able to take the pain much longer.," said the other boy.
"Bring him in the tent.,", Clarke ordered.
She let the boys bring take Bellamy inside and hurried through the door. They put Bellamy on a cot and Clarke kneeled next to him.
"You're going to be fine, Bel. Don't worry, I'm here, and I'm not letting you go," she whispered in his ear. She turned two the two boys :
Blood was spreading on ever inch of his shirt (soaking every inch of his shirt) and his face was getting paler. She touched his forehead: it was burning -> he was burning up.
Only then she saw did she see her mom in the doorway.
"Just in time", said Clarke with a reproaching voice reproachfully.
"I'm sorry honey, I got hold up, a little girl just broke her arm, and I had to-"
"Well while you were playing with this little girl's arm, my boyfriend received a bullet in his chest! Now I just hope he's going to be okay,  I hope I did what I should have done and that I didn't madke it worse, since the only qualified doctor here wasn't there to help me! If he's recovering mom, that won't be thanks to you!" Anger had took taken over Clarke. She didn't want to talk to anyone but Bellamy now. She went to lean next to him. She would wait here until he wakes woke up.
D'un point de vue logique, cette dispute semble un peu outrée. D'abord Clarke ne sait pas quoi faire, puis le soigne miraculeusement en deux-trois minutes pour s'agace que sa mère ne soit pas apparue dans ce lapse de temps pour le faire à sa place ?

"Well, the last few hours have been tough", she answered, letting a small laugh split (tu veut dire s'échapper ? alors escape convient).
Clarke leaned over him (il a pas une blessure béante à la poitrine ?) and kissed his lips.
They will (would) deal with the bad things tomorrow.
Bellamy smelled like fresh wood (et pas le sang ?), and tasted like joy. He was the most handsome boy on this earth and she was the only girl who could rest on his shoulders every night. She realized how lucky she was, and felt asleep with the fresh wooden smelt (smell) and pieces of joy still on her lips.
« Je préfère la scoliose à la psychose, la hernie à la schizophrénie. » Annie François.

L'autre royaume [en cours de publication]

Hors ligne hono1410

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Re : Infirmary alert
« Réponse #2 le: 31 août 2018 à 18:47:23 »
Je n'ai pas lu The 100, mais j'ai vu la série (que j'ai bien aimé, sauf la dernière saison...) donc j'ai été intriguée par ton texte. Malgré les maladresses que j'ai relevé au niveau de la syntaxe et du vocabulaire, c'est fluide et l'anglais sonne authentique, donc c'est un bon point. Les remarques que j'ai inclues sont à la fois sur l'anglais, la ponctuation et l'histoire en elle-même. Puisque c'est un fragment on ne sait pas trop où ça va aller, mais ça reste plaisant à lire.

She didn't know where they came from or from whom, but what she did knew know was that those yells kept repeating the two same same two words : (pas d'espace avant les : en anglais) help, and Clarke. She hurried outside the tent's door and searched for the direction of the sound (where the sound came from).
He was being carried by the other two, who were supporting him by the shoulders (donc il ne peut pas êtes "carried" et "supported", il faut choisir l'un des deux).
But then she starred (stared, sinon c'est un autre mot) at the three shadows who were running toward her, and she saw him. Bellamy was the one carried by the other two. He was the one being hurt (à moins qu'il ne soit frappé au moment où il dit ça, il n'est pas "being hurt, il est "hurt"). By the look of his face, she could tell he wasn't okay, he was hurt (oui en effet, c'est établi). And badly. She knew because Bellamy was always keeping his strong face ("keeping a brave face" à la limite, mais sinon ça ne veut rien dire), even when he was suffering. But tonight, she could see he was in pain. His eyes were closed, his head titling on every side (je ne suis pas sûre de comprendre ce que tu veux dire ; son visage secoué de tout côté pendant leur course ? dans ce cas là tu ne peux pas le formuler ainsi et je pense que le verbe que tu voulais utiliser était "tilt" ?) like he had been punched in the face. When he arrived just in front of her, she gasped : blood was running through his shirt, in his chest (hm syntaxe ne fonctionne pas, blood was running through his shirt, from his chest à la limite, mais plutôt from a wound on his chest).
"What happened ?" (pas d'espace non plus avant ?) Clarke asked to the other two boys. Her voice was trembling. She couldn't really speak, she just needed to make sure Bellamy was going to be fine okay (pour éviter la répétition avec la ligne d'après).
"We don't really know, we had separated split to get more animals for tonight's feast. Bellamy went on his own, he said he was fine with it. But then we heard a gun shot, and when we arrived at Bellamy found him, nobody was there and he was lying on the ground.," said the boy who was carrying Bellamy's right shoulder (carry veut vraiment dire "porter", et là à moins que son bras soit détaché de son corps, il ne peut pas la porter ainsi).
"You must be quick, Clarke. The bullet seems to be in his chest, close to his heart (comment il saurait ça au fait ?). I don't know if he will be able to take the pain much longer.," said the other boy.
"Bring him in the tent.,", Clarke ordered.
She let the boys bring take Bellamy inside and hurried through the door. They put Bellamy on a cot and Clarke kneeled next to him.
"You're going to be fine, Bel. Don't worry, I'm here, and I'm not letting you go," she whispered in his ear. She turned two the two boys :
Blood was spreading on ever inch of his shirt (soaking every inch of his shirt) and his face was getting paler. She touched his forehead: it was burning -> he was burning up.
Only then she saw did she see her mom in the doorway.
"Just in time", said Clarke with a reproaching voice reproachfully.
"I'm sorry honey, I got hold up, a little girl just broke her arm, and I had to-"
"Well while you were playing with this little girl's arm, my boyfriend received a bullet in his chest! Now I just hope he's going to be okay,  I hope I did what I should have done and that I didn't madke it worse, since the only qualified doctor here wasn't there to help me! If he's recovering mom, that won't be thanks to you!" Anger had took taken over Clarke. She didn't want to talk to anyone but Bellamy now. She went to lean next to him. She would wait here until he wakes woke up.
D'un point de vue logique, cette dispute semble un peu outrée. D'abord Clarke ne sait pas quoi faire, puis le soigne miraculeusement en deux-trois minutes pour s'agace que sa mère ne soit pas apparue dans ce lapse de temps pour le faire à sa place ?

"Well, the last few hours have been tough", she answered, letting a small laugh split (tu veut dire s'échapper ? alors escape convient).
Clarke leaned over him (il a pas une blessure béante à la poitrine ?) and kissed his lips.
They will (would) deal with the bad things tomorrow.
Bellamy smelled like fresh wood (et pas le sang ?), and tasted like joy. He was the most handsome boy on this earth and she was the only girl who could rest on his shoulders every night. She realized how lucky she was, and felt asleep with the fresh wooden smelt (smell) and pieces of joy still on her lips.

Merci beaucoup pour tes conseils et tes corrections, je débute juste au niveau de l’écriture !

 


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